Ripped By mstoll
It's no good. I can't wear it.
It was bad enough finding myself face to face with your wife.
But to see her wearing the same locket.
'I want a man I can spend whole days with,
who buys me gold lockets', you said.
And so I bought you one.
And before I could see you, Helen sits up in bed and says,
'Happy anniversary, darling! '
I'd completely forgotten.
The way I'd forgotten it was your birthday.
- So you gave her my locket? - Yes.
What else could I do?
- So who's is this locket? - This is your locket.
Oh, this is ridiculous. I don't understand.
Your locket became her locket,
so I bought you another locket, which is this locket.
And now it seems no matter how many bloody lockets I buy,
I'm in a trap. Nothing I do is right.
Everything I do hurts someone.
Poor darling.
Alright.
Let's start again.
Happy birthday!
Oh, Luke.
A present? For me?
Especially for you.
A locket. A gold locket.
I've always wanted one of those.
- I love you, you see. - I love you too, you see.
Ah!
Oow!
- Please, stop! - Hold on!
Ah. Oh. Oh.
She wasn't really frightened.
It's just that when you're old, older, things are different.
When you're older, you look silly sometimes.
A man doesn't. My dad doesn't look half as silly as my mum.
That's because a man doesn't scream.
Man doesn't cry either.
My mum cries, but only sometimes.
Women do all the silly things.
Gary! Gary!
Hey, look, it's Jonathan!
Now I know why I can't stand kids.
They point the sharp arrow of truth and aim right at your soul.
Oh. I didn't know you didn't like children.
It's not that I don't like them...
Those are your words, Luke.
'Now I know why I don't like kids', you said.
- Lord, does it matter? - Yes, it does.
- Why? - Cos it just does.
Do you like earwigs?
You know I don't.
Do I harass you? Do I make you feel awful 'cause
you don't like earwigs? Do I?
If you and I ever get together,
if you and I ever get married, if you and I ever do anything
that's normal and proper, we won't be planning on
having a lot of little earwigs, will we?
I see. It's that subject.
Yes, it's that subject.
I'm sorry our lunch hour turned into an argument.
Still, we do a lot of that lately, don't we?
It's only because we can't be together properly.
You're always playing hide and seek with the world, it's so shady.
You knew the drawbacks. I never kidded you.
Yeah, but it's different now, isn't it?
At first it was fancy, just fancy,
but it is different now. We love each other.
I suppose so.
What does that mean, 'I suppose so'?
It means yes,
I suppose.
Well, why don't you say 'yes'?
Because yes means definitely,
absolutely, unquestionably, undoubtedly.
'I suppose so' means I think so.
Maybe. Who knows?
I hope so.
Oh God! It's Mr Wainwright. Get in the car.
No, I won't. And when I say I won't,
I mean absolutely, definitely, undoubtedly and irrefutably no!
Oh, hello.
It's alright.
That's great. That's just great.
That's twice he's seen us together now.
Oh, dear.
You don't understand, do you? You don't understand my position.
That's probably because your position is unlike anybody else's.
If it's not crouched beneath a restaurant table
or hiding behind a tree, it's burrowing beneath a dashboard.
I never kidded you.
Oh, throw away your dark glasses, Luke,
and go back to your wife!
How much are those?
These are 3.95,
these are 2.50, and these are 1.90.
They're for a friend of mine.
We had a little set to.
- You know how it is. - I see.
I'll have those.
I'll tell you what.
These are only 10p more and they're much nicer.
No, I'll stick to those.
I don't like her very much.
Jamie? Could you see those to the lady, please?
Certainly. Follow me, madam, I'll wrap it for you.
Can I help you?
Yes. I want something...
something special.
Oh, is it an anniversary? Or a birthday?
'Or have you bowled some poor cow right off her feet? '
Um, well, it's, um, no, it's...
I expect one of those would do.
Oh, there's nothing quite like a rose, is there?
It says everything.
'Except the truth.'
Yes, that's fine. I'll, I'll take it.
Although I know someone who always sends a large daisy.
Oh, really?
Perhaps when you get to know her better.
Yes.
That's 1.20, please.
Oh, thank you. I hope she likes it.
Thank you.
You can tell them a mile off, can't you?
Oh, I don't know, sweetheart, might be for his granny.
No. He's got that look about him.
Did you see his eyes swivelling and his mouth flailing about
as if it was made of plasticine?
Oh, poor devil.
What about the poor wife or the poor mistress?
I don't know anything about wives, mistresses.
He'll give her that rose, she'll fall for it,
they'll go off to some hotel,
and from then on, her eyes will swivel
and her mouth will turn to plasticine.
I've only ever two-timed Robert once.
Never again, sweetheart. I felt ill.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night
with all me bits and pieces panicking.
Luke and I quarrelled again today.
Robert and I do that all the time. It's instead of yawning.
I told him to go back to his wife.
Which is a bit silly, really,
considering he's never left her in the first place.
Oh, I hate all this sneaking about!
Yes, I know what you mean, sweetheart.
Terrified me.
I decided eventually that, uh, wandering wasn't right for me.
I thought that if I stayed in the same field,
at least I get to know where all the cow pats were.
I hate him sometimes.
Oh, I know. Ecstatic, isn't it?
- I'm not going to phone him. - No.
And I'm not going to talk to him if he phones me.
No.
If I can keep that up for a week, I'm nearly there.
- Where? - Free!
- Free? - Free to find someone else who's free.
Oh, you mean free to start the whole wretched thing all over again?
On the other hand, I might just retire gracefully from the scene
and not look for anybody.
Ah, so you mean free, free?
Yes, free, free.
Wouldn't work, sweetheart. I've tried that.
You're like an escaped balloon,
drifting along with your string dangling and all your air running out.
It's not the best way to spend your one and only life.
Oh!
Now what I'm going to do is, instead of hiding from everything,
I'm going to face up to it all.
I'm going to pin everything that reminds me of Luke onto this board.
And then I'm going to put it up in the kitchen somewhere
until the pain goes.
And then I'm going to take it out and put it into a builder's skip
or something and that will be that. End of poem.
Hm? The first daisy he bought me.
The Manor Hotel.
We made love in room 57.
Then we had a row, so I moved out to room 55.
Then he bought champagne, so we made love in room 55.
But as I was moving out of room 55,
I caught him phoning his wife in room 57.
So we had a row in the corridor.
I ran away, he followed and explained,
so we made love in the communal bathroom.
Thank goodness we didn't have a row at main reception
'I'm sorry I missed your birthday' card.
A love letter.
Oh. Another love letter.
At least, I think it's a love letter. It's written in code.
Theatre tickets.
Oh, yes! We had to come out halfway through,
because he recognised a neighbour in the ice-cream queue.
You wouldn't understand about those.
Oh, a very special birthday present.
His wife came into the shop wearing one exactly like it.
There we are. Ah ha.
Huh.
See if I care.
Go away, Luke!
Maxine, I'm sorry.
It's too late, Luke, it's too late for I'm sorry.
It's too late for let's try again.
It's too late for let's talk. Just time for goodbye.
- Could you just open the door? - No.
There are things I want to explain.
I couldn't bear another explanation, it's like being force fed.
We can go away.
Oh really? When?
- Any time. - Tonight?
- Well, I need a little time. - Tomorrow?
- I thought on the weekend. - Friday?
- Saturday would be better. - Until when?
Sunday.
- Go away, Luke. - I love you.
I don't want to hide any more.
When I go out with you, I feel as if I'm going out on a burglary.
All we need is stockings over our head.
- No, Luke, no! - Okay! Okay!
That's it.
You know how I'm always telling you off for eating flowers?
There's one by the door you can have.
Serve that, will you?
I was listening to you, Helen.
You were not. You never do.
You just sit there like a stuffed koala bear.
Shot and stuffed at the height of boredom.
No use me talking when you're talking, is there?
I would stop if you would start.
Oh, God, everybody's in a mood today.
What I should do, of course is go,
go out and leave everything.
Let you get your own meals.
Problem with that, of course,
is every time you made yourself a cup of coffee,
we'd have to have the kitchen redecorated.
Who's everybody?
What?
You said everybody's in a mood today. Who's everybody?
Oh, you know what I mean.
I know what 'everybody' means. I don't know what you mean.
Look, does it matter who?
The milkman, the postman,
the car park attendant, the world,
the great architect of man.
Look, I understand him being in a mood.
Now I'm in a mood.
Suddenly I don't know you.
I'm sitting here having dinner with my husband,
the way we have for 15 years, and suddenly you're like a stranger.
What has happened to us, Luke?
Time, I expect.
Is that all?
Well, I can't think of anything else.
I can.
Oh?
Predictability.
Oh.
I know everything you're going to do before you do it,
so by the time you do it, I've already seen it.
Which means that when you do anything for the first time,
to me you're doing it again.
When you go to scratch your head, you get a certain look on your face.
And I think, 'He's going to scratch his head.'
When you're scratching your head,
I think, 'Oh, God! He's scratching his head again.'
- Or... - Helen,
I don't think I can cope with another example.
Anyway, I have decided that what we need is a break.
You've said all this before, Helen. It's just words.
So I've booked myself on a flight.
You've what?
I'm going to Paris.
For a week.
Alone?
No.
I'm taking my mind with me.
I don't, I don't understand. I don't understand anything any more.
Oh, Luke, do close your mouth.
We're not going to have a chauvinistic breakdown
on why I shouldn't go, are we?
No. It's just...
Unusual.
- It's unpredictable. - Yes.
Well, as you say, you never have time to go anywhere,
so I must learn to go places on my own.
Yes.
When are you going?
Friday morning.
Will you be alright?
Will you?
Why shouldn't I be?
You won't go up with the gas cooker?
Or get your leg trapped in the washing machine, or anything?
No.
All your shirts and socks are washed.
The groceries will be delivered.
- And my mother is minding the kitten. - Good. Good.
We don't want to over burden you, darling, do we?
It's all a bit uphill at the moment, isn't it?
- Helen... - Let's just...
huff and puff our way over it and...
see what's on the other side.
- Hi, Simon. - Hi.
Okay, Jamie, I'm on my way.
Friday.
Friday's fine.
Go away, Luke.
- Coffee? - No, thanks.
- Tea? - No, thanks.
- Hot chocolate? - No, thank you, Simon.
Okay. Okay. Got it, got it.
What the hell's the matter with her now?
Am I meant to reply or is this just a private bout of hysteria?
Yesterday my other person and I spent the lunch hour together.
I had to hide because a neighbour walked by.
- Hide? - Under the dashboard.
Oh, yeah, great, she'd like that. A real turn on.
There's no point telling you the rest.
No. What do you take me for?
A quick bonk in the night. Go back to your wife!
Yeah, usually followed by an angry walk away with all systems going,
just to let you know what you'll be missing, yeah?
Right again, Simon!
And now my wife has announced that she's going to Paris for the week.
And although I want to tell her,
my other person, that we can be together,
something in me baulks, Simon.
The other man, I suppose.
The moral fellow. The upstanding chap.
- The coward. - That too.
Why do we do it, Simon?
Why do we let passion take over from reason?
Oh, because passion is passionate and
being passionate is more exciting than being reasonable.
Excitement doesn't last long.
No, just long enough to get you knackered
and then it's back to reason.
I suppose you think I'm a shit.
- Mm-hm. - Oh, it's all right.
I can see why.
So would I if it was someone else. When it's someone else,
you're just looking at the wound, aren't you?
Not feeling the pain.
No, I think I know what it feels like, loving two people.
I mean, when I was a kid,
I had a pet dog that had to be put down because it bit my mother.
I loved the dog and I loved my mother.
Feels like that.
How are you and Nancy?
I hate Nancy.
So why do you stay?
Oh, I'm so used to all this hate that if I didn't wake up every morning
full of resentment and bitterness and frustration,
I'd eat a full breakfast and get fat.
Hating Nancy is instead of jogging and dieting and doing press-ups.
Supposing you met someone else?
I hate Nancy too much to give her the pleasure of losing me.
She...
...my other person, makes me feel young.
Rampant!
Wild!
Helen, Helen makes me feel...
...safe.
But would you marry the other person if you could?
Sometimes.
Would you leave Helen?
Sometimes.
It's the times between the sometimes.
She'll be at the shop now.
- Hello? - Max.
Hello?
I've got to go to Australia tomorrow.
Is everything all right?
We're moving towards it, Simon, we're moving towards it.
Oh, good.
Answer it, Simon.
Say that I've left the office
and casually mention that I've got to go to Australia tomorrow.
- What? - On business.
Hello?
I'm sorry you've, you've just missed him.
Uh, he's just gone out of the office.
He's probably very busy, gone into town, uh,
he's, he's going to, to Australia, uh, tomorrow.
On business. Yes.
Right. Yeah. Bye.
What's all this about?
It's about a well-laid plan, Simon.
It's about me being clever.
It's about poor, helpless, mindless man making a complete cock-up of his life.
'Dear Luke,
I am sorry that you and I have ended this way.
I suppose now a dream's disappearing,
it was al-always fairly obvious
that you and I could never have made it.
I wish you luck with your Australian trip.
Take care,
Max.'
'Dearest Max,
I am so sorry I couldn't make it last night.
I had quite forgotten that the Lawsons were coming to dinner.
I will phone you tonight. Love, love, and love, Luke.'
But you didn't though, did you?
Something came up.
You couldn't make it.
Couldn't get away or something like that.
'P.S.
You always were...
...an unreliable
bastard.'
Excuse me.
I don't often bother you, but please help me!
I know it's not right.
I know it can't work.
But I love him, you see.
Oh, stop looking at me like that!
I didn't invent this, did I?
Mm.
What time are you leaving for Australia then?
What?!
I phoned the office this morning. Someone said that you had...
Oh, that would be Simon. He, he, uh...
he wanders into the office now and then.
...that you had a lot to do, because you were going to Australia tomorrow.
Which is now today.
Did he say that? Fool!
Probably thought you were someone else.
What I mean is, he was probably talking about someone else.
- Who? - What?
- Who? Who else? - Oh, someone.
This is only yourself,
- the secretary... - She was off today.
...Simon and your partner.
So which one of you is going to Australia?
How do I know?
Do I know everything?
Does everybody tell me every little thing?
Does the whole world come into my office
and unfold their entire life story?
- Why me? - Luke, you're rambling again.
You always ramble when you're nervous.
Nervous? Why should I be nervous?
Do you think that I am nervous,
'cause a bloody fool is going to Australia?
We won't talk about it.
Why? Why won't we talk about it?
Because you're getting upset.
I'm getting upset, because of the incompetence.
That idiot, Simon!
I mean, how can I run a business with... It could have been disastrous.
Supposing it had been an important client?
They would have felt rather uninformed, wouldn't they?
You can sort it out tomorrow.
Oh!
Anyway, he'd know your voice, surely.
How could he?
I always go through the secretary, don't I?
She shouldn't have been off with flu either.
Sometimes I think these people deliberately set out to ruin me.
- Hey. - Go to Australia, indeed.
As if I've got time to go anywhere.
Well, why don't you just shut up and come here?
- Helen, are you ready? - I'm just coming, darling.
Is this all?
Yes. You go to the car. I'll be with you.
Well I need petrol, I'll go and get some. Five minutes. Okay?
Hello?
Oh, hello. Uh, is Luke Mansel there, please?
I'm sorry, you've just missed him. He's gone to get petrol.
We're just off to the airport, actually.
Yes, I heard he was leaving for Australia today.
Uh, it's too early to ring his office.
I'm a customer of his, actually.
I'd like to discuss some important business with him.
Can I get him to ring you?
Um, do you think there's any chance of
getting in touch with him at the airport?
Save holding him up now.
Could you hold on a moment, I'll just see if he's back.
Hello. No, he's not back.
Look, I, I haven't got details of his Australian flight yet,
we've been so hectic,
but I do know he's seeing someone off to Paris before he leaves.
That flight is at 10:30,
so he'll be in the British Airways Executive lounge
at ten o'clock this morning.
Perhaps you'd like to phone him there.
Thanks so much, thank you. I'm sorry to delay you. Bye.
When, when's the flight?
He's got to see someone off to Paris
before he goes, so he'll be there at ten o'clock.
Oh, bless you, Jamie. I'll phone him. I wish I could see him
Oh, he'll be back, sweetheart. It's only a business trip.
Why is it after being strong and decisive for two whole days,
I'm back to being a whimpering fool again?
Distance, parting, aeroplanes,
the human being's relentless pursuit of romance.
Airports are full of fleeing or returning lovers.
Each one a pain in the arse to someone until they purchase a flight ticket.
I don't know what to say to him.
Just say, I love you. Come back soon.
And then put the phone down.
It's like giving someone a sip of champagne
and then snatching the glass away from him.
Oh, Jamie. How wicked you are.
May I have your attention, please?
This is a call for British Airways passengers
on flight BA143 for Rome.
Which is now boarding at gate number 18.
May I remind you to take all your hand luggage with you?
Thank you.
Luke.
- Tea? Coffee? - Coffee.
Is there a Mr Mansel here, please?
- Mr Mansel? - Yes.
There's a call for you, sir. You can use that phone.
Right.
Hello? Luke Mansel here.
I love you. Come back soon.
Oh, hello, yes. Um...
Thank you. I'll, um, I'll see you soon.
It's a bit difficult.
It's never the right time, is it?
Do you realise how much courage it's taken me to make this call?
I understand, yes. We'll talk about it.
We'll not talk about it.
We are never going to talk about anything ever again as long as we live.
This is over. You are a double-faced, two-timing, rotten, stinking...
- Business? - Yes.
Yes.
No escape, I'm afraid.
No.
Morning.
Ripped By mstoll